Opinion Piece: Why Nice Guys Lose to Assholes

So I think it is finally time for a woman to stand up and let some of the nice guys know the reasons why they often lose out to the men they would consider to be assholes. Since I have no problem with voicing the truth or my opinions, I have volunteered for the job of painting the UGLY TRUTH.I created a status last week on my Facebook page stating that some men are just as bitter about not being able to find "the right one" as some women are, and surprisingly, quite a few men stepped forward and admitted that they have become a bit course when it comes to dating. Half of them had horrible tastes left in their mouths from bad dating experiences because they were turned away for being "too nice".  It sounds like such a contradiction when a woman says that she wants a nice guy yet ends up with the douche bag at the end of the bar, and because of that, it leaves many men who would fall in the "nice" category dazed and confused. So to help you guys out and save you the embarrassment and money, here are the common mistakes that NICE guys make that turn women off:

Pretending not to want sex out of politeness when you really want it

It's one thing not to mention sex on the first date out of politeness, but to pretend as if you don't want to have sex with the woman at all just so you can get on her good side and to make yourself not seem like a dog is a foolish mistake. Every woman knows that men approach them often with sex on the brain, so don't try to deny your natural instincts and tell a woman you don't want sex from her when in the back of your mind you've already had several fantasies of her spreading eagle. The "asshole" will come out and let a woman know his instinctual desires and most of the time get the girl because, if she is already attracted to him, she has already made plans in her mind to give him the nookie anyway. You don't have to be blunt and disrespectful when it comes to what you want but don't pretend like you don't want it either!

Doing nice things with an intention to get the nookie

There have been countless numbers of times when the "nice" guy has approached me to do a number of things for me claiming to not want anything in return, but would turn around weeks later to make his demands of repayment known. There are dozens of women who go through the same scenarios with nice guys and it is the fastest way to get cursed out. If you're doing nice things for a woman in hopes of getting some sex or securing a relationship in return, you're setting yourself up for failure. It seems sneaky when say you don't want anything in return then come and recant the statement by asking for sex, and no one likes a sneak.  Courting is all about winning a woman over, but don't try to pull wool over a woman's eyes to trick her into giving you want you want. Just state what you want in the beginning and you won't have to be a trickster.

Being too clingy

Showing a woman you're interested in her is great, but to want to be under her all the time and to text or call her every hour on the hour is annoying! A woman wants to know that a man has a life of his own outside of her because women do not like needy men. A woman doesn't want to act like a mother to a grown man needing attention like a child, and she definitely wants to have her freedom to have time for herself and her girlfriends to add variety to her life. Give her some space and some time to reflect on the moments you've had because absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Being too NICE

Being a polite gentleman and keeping a woman's preferences in mind is great, but when she has everything her way and you don't show any type of aggressiveness towards making the decisions, a woman looks at you as a weakling. A woman wants a man to be a provider and a defender even if she can hold her own. It makes her feel safe and wanted when a man will go to bat for her to make decisions for the team. Don't be a pushover because all a woman will do is run you down with her six inch stilettos and bark orders at you like an Army lieutenant. Put your foot down and show her who wears the pants! Her attitude will switch up and she will begin to look at you like she never did before..most likely with desire.

Beyond these common mistakes nice guys make to turn women off, the fact of the matter is, you can be the nicest man in the world and ready to lay your life down for a woman but if she isn't attracted to you physically or sexually, you will NEVER have a relationship with her that is rooted in true attraction and desire.  I see dozens of "Nice" guys that get played regularly because they are willing to give so much of themselves to women who only care about their money or what they can buy for them. IF you are a man in that is constantly being asked for money within the first week of a woman knowing you, then you are being played like a sucker because you are the nice guy that she's not attracted to. Change up your behavior and don't be so willing to do for a woman you barely know. Give her time to show her true feelings and let her know what you want out of the relationship from the jump, but with tact. Don't seem too eager to jump into a relationship before getting to know her well and don't make yourself seem extremely needy.

The asshole wins because he is upfront and direct about what he wants and what he will and will not do, and what that does is puts the power in a woman's court in deciding what she wants to do with this man. His confidence in knowing who he is and what he wants also pinpoints him as a "take charge" kind of a guy which indicates he will make sure things are taken care of when they need to be.  The nice guy gets put into the friend category because his approach is non aggressive and non sexual. You can be a nice guy and still land the girl if you learn how to be direct about what you want and assert yourself with demure authority.


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  • T Neal

    RIP Black America (P1) http://youtu.be/-AugKnRQx48 (P2) http://youtu.be/2TLkXFA-5Fg (P3) http://youtu.be/XtzzzItw9QM They don’t wanna hear this …

    June 12, 2013 Reply
  • Sebastian Lambada

    As a guy that’s seen both sides of the fence, I must agree with what you’ve posted about this dynamic. I too have tried my best to help men understand what’s really going on so that they’ll stop blaming women for their relationship problems.

    I agree with almost everything that you’ve said here and my comment here will pretty much co-sign with your piece. However, I think it’s important for everyone to realize that being upfront and direct isn’t the same as being assholish. I say this because I was just as upfront and direct in my nice guy phase as I was during my asshole phase. The factors that ultimately determined whether I hit or missed seemed to really center around my ability to remain mysterious and desirable.

    Nice guys seem to think that being nice should automatically get them a woman. But, you need to bring other things to the table. Nice isn’t worth anything when you have a boring personality or no sense of humor.

    If you’re nice and always talking about how your ex-girlfriend did you wrong, then that’s an automatic rejection.

    If you’re on a date where you’re only talking about yourself and how nice of a guy you are, then she’s not gonnabe interested because you aren’t displaying a genuine interest in getting to know her. You’re only concerned with selling yourself.

    Nice guys often make the mistake of trying to sell their niceness to women like they expect it to close the deal for them. But, being respectful and courteous to her through action is enough to score points. You say enough by being chivalrous and opening doors for her.

    Another mistake that nice guys make is that they put all of their eggs in one basket out of fear of being labeled as a player. But, in reality, women are more likely to go for you if they think that other women find you attractive. So, instead of putting your all into one female that you’re merely interested in, I encourage guys to stack the deck by dating as many women as possible. It’s not gaming when you’re not in a relationship and it keeps the guy in a position where he isn’t so clingy while he’s being evaluated by each female. It also keeps him in a position where he can always say “Yes, but I’m not sure if I want to be exclusive with her” if any of the women ask him if he’s seeing anyone else. Saying this causes a power shift where he’s able to become the hunted instead of constantly acting like the hunter.

    You’re also right about sending the message that you have a life outside of the female. Go out and meet other women instead of blowing up her phone all day every day. Make yourself somewhat accessible, but don’t let the situation get to the point where you’re like a 24-hour repairman on-call. If she asks you to go out on Monday, then tell her that Wednesday is better for you because you’ve already got plans and be willing to take the risk that she says “Wednesday doesn’t work for me” before you say that you might be able to shift your schedule around to accommodate her on Monday.

    But, perhaps the most underrated factor is having a take no prisoners attitude. You can never let a woman think that she can take advantage of you (just as you said). It’s OK to be nice, but you’ve also gotta make her feel like she’s better off staying on your good side as opposed to crossing you. Nice guys get manipulated only when women feel like they can run circles without suffering any tangible consequence.

    One thing that my wife and all my exes have said about me is that they loved me more than their other guys because I’m the one who didn’t take their crap. I put my foot down whenever I smell BS and am not afraid to leave. I’m a mixture of good and bad (which is something that many women find incredibly intriguing). Unfortunately, nice guys are afraid to be bad in any way because they fear that it will result in them losing the female. So, they instead play everything safe even when they’re being screwed over and, ultimately, the woman leaves him to start searching for the one guy that will stand up to her.

    Great post overall though.

    June 13, 2013 Reply
  • Alvin

    Gotta say I liked this post.
    Did the whole be an asshole thing while I was young but always felt like I was picking up the wrong type of females. So I committed myself to being the nice guy and got a nice girl. Made a lot of asshole like mistakes in the process but in the end I changed my stipes and i was nice all the time. I became the nice guy and after almost 9 year we broke up. She lost her physical attraction to me and that was the end of it. I literally became the kind of nice guy described here. Still even i gotta admit after reading this, well i knew it before reading this but being the nice guy wasn’t working. So I’m in the process of reinventing myself right now. Finding the balance between the good and evil 😉 Again though thanks for the post it was very informative to hear it from someone else.

    February 23, 2014 Reply
    • glamerotica101

      I’m so glad that you had that experience and am now on the verge of balance

      February 24, 2014 Reply

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